Today marks the 4th anniversary of the loss of my son, Matthew Robert Beeman.  It is truly the most heartbreaking event a parent can ever experience.

Little did I know that over the next days, weeks, months, and years I would still be learning about the life of my wonderful son.  At the time of his death he was a senior at the Stetson University School of Music. His years at Stetson had been successful but he lost his long battle with depression.

Part I

Monday Afternoon October 27, 2003

On that day, a policeman visited me at work with the news that the Deland, Florida police had informed him that my son was dead.  He drove me home where another policeman, a chaplain, waited with Bob.

The pain of hearing you have just lost a child is almost impossible to describe.  It just rips through your very being like a fire, leaving a crushing pain in its wake.

The next few hours and days were a blur of activity.  Our minister, Reverend Savage, and two wonderful ladies from our church were there to help us tell our daughter when she arrived home. 

Our family doctor made an unheard-of house call, and our next door neighbors stayed with us until the first members of our family began to arrive. Since the Florida Medical Examiner would not release Matthew's body for the next several days, we did not know how or when to schedule a funeral. We were in a kind of limbo that is hard to describe. 

Out of this tragic event came so much love and care. Family members traveled long distances. Our church family, work colleagues, friends, and neighbors blanketed us with support. Visits, food, and phone calls started to pour in to keep us going.

Our large extended family took care of the everyday tasks which left us just to deal with the details of preparing to bury our son. Reverend Savage and a Stephen minister from our church, whom I will always think of as an angel on earth, were with us every step of the way.

Tuesday October 28, 2003

 I woke in the early morning hours thinking that there was no way I was going to make it through the day.  We had to take care of business at the funeral home, plan the services, and write an obituary.  Bob and I had stayed up most of the night trying to grasp the reality of the situation. 

Thank God for the shock comes with the sudden death of a loved one.  At least some part of you is numb to the things you are experiencing.

I was terribly distraught about what kind of service Matthew would want. I was so obsessed with this idea that I could not function. Suddenly, a voice in my head said, "Matthew wants whatever his Mother wants".

At that moment I felt at peace for the first time and ready to face whatever the day brought.

That morning brought a steady stream of visitors and phone calls as word spread of our loss. Two surprising phone calls came that morning as I greeted our visitors while Bob answered the phone.

One call came from the Music Minister of the Presbyterian Church where Matthew sang in the choir a short time before his death. He evidently made an impression there. The man informed Bob that at choir practice whenever Matthew entered the room there was sunshine and laughter.

He told us that the next Sunday after church they were going to walk to the campus and have the "releasing of the doves" ceremony. At that time I had never seen this but later I attended one myself and it is truly beautiful.

The next call was from the Dean of the College of Music who told us of the assembly held the night before on campus and how hundreds of students had been there. He also wanted to know about funeral arrangements because he and many of the students wanted to attend. Finally he asked for our permission to have a memorial service at Stetson to honor Matthew. They wanted to schedule it so that we would be able to attennd.

Later that morning we left for the funeral home accompanied by my cousin and Rev. Savage. They sat in with us and provided support for the many decisions that had to be made that day. At that point we were still waiting to set the date of the visitation and funeral, still not knowing when the Florida Medical Examiner would release our Matthew.

By the end of the day, the business end was complete, the funeral and visitation were set and the obituary was written. We had gone through volumes of pictures and decided which ones best portrayed our son’s life for display at the services.

One thing that brought smiles to everyone was the fact that his "wake" would be on Halloween. How appropriate for his wickedly funny sense of humor. I was sure he was smiling down of us for that one.

Wednesday October 29th and 30th 2003

The only thing I remember about these two days was waiting for Matthew to be released and for his clothes to be sent from Stetson. All his dress clothes were down there and had to be shipped to us by Federal Express.

Someone told us that one of his friends had a blog where she had written about Matthew and that comments were coming in from across the country. We started reading at that point and were truly amazed by what we read. There were so many, hundreds of them over a period of a month or so.

It was like looking into a window and seeing an entirely new room that you never knew existed. It was one of the most exhilarating experiences that I have ever had. I will always cherish the comments that were written there. It was just the beginning of the things that I would learn about the man my son had become.

I knew that he had a strong work ethic, and a deeply ingrained sense of right and wrong. He believed in justice and fairness, and he did not suffer fools. He always kept his word and he had very little patience for those who didn’t.

He was brutally honest and of course there was always that wicked sense of humor. He truly knew how to comfort people who were hurting. After all he had been there on and off since adolescence. He would go out of his way to help other people. He was always reaching out.  He loved people, at least those who didn’t persecute him. He knew he was loved and he knew how to give love to others.

He was handsome, talented, and when he wasn’t lost in the darkness called depression he could light up a room just by walking in.

 

Today is the fourth anniversary of the death of our son, Matthew.  He was a senior at Stetson University, and hanged himself in his dorm room.  There would seem to be no pleasant memories of this day for our little family, but many things have come to pass to make us appreciate the life of our son, and what he meant to us and many others.

My wife, Linda, is in the process of writing on this subject.  I will publish her words in this blog in the next day or two.

On Monday, October 27, 2003 at about two o'clock in the afternoon, the doorbell summoned me to the front door to see a couple of Roswell, GA police officers on my front porch.  After asking for ID, I let them in and deposited them in the living room.  The den was thoroughly trashed with my stuff, and was not presentable. 

They were not there to pass judgment on my housekeeping habits.

Very professionally, the lead officer explained that they had been contacted by the DeLand Florida Police Department, and my son had been found dead in his Stetson University dormitory room that morning.  He had committed suicide.

My first thought was that the little scamp had finally done it!  It took a few minutes for me to realize that I would not be able to fuss at him for doing such a stupid thing.  Reality has a way of catching up with you.

The next few days were a blur of activity. Family, friends, church members, and just plain nice people did nice things to help us cope and get through this tough time.  We could have never made it without them.  I will let Linda tell you about these things.

There are a couple of things I want to mention, and these are the practical things you have to face when a loved one dies.

Lesson #1: 

When you are ready to bury a loved one, funeral homes do not negotiate.  Plan ahead, and if it is practicable, buy some family grave lots.  You will get a better price that way. 

This is easier said than done, because so many families are like ours, and tend to move about the country.  A lot of people don't know where they will wind up, and a burial lot is the last thing they will consider. No pun intended.

Lesson #2: 

Yes.  You do need life insurance on children in spite of what ignorant talk-radio hosts say.  Life insurance for minors costs very little, and if your child dies, you will not have to raid your life savings for a $15,000 to $20,000 funeral.  Matthew's funeral, including the cost of casket, vault, grave lot, and marker cost a bit over $14,000.  It was not cheap.  Thank God I ran into a good life insurance salesman when Matthew was little.  If he had lived he could have assumed the small premiums, or could have taken advantage of the cash value. 

bb

 

 

Quoted from Don Surber's blog.

"John Zogby's latest online poll -- for UPI -- showed 54% of Americans believe that the war in Iraq can be won. Only 34% said the war cannot be won.

11% said the war has already been won!

Among Democrats, 66% said Iraq is hopeless."

This was an online poll, and therefore was not very scientific.  But, it was done by Zogby for UPI and this is supposed to give the poll some credibility. 

It is particularly telling that 66% of Democrats believe we are losing in Iraq.  Perception is everything with these people, and they don't perceive anything but the lame utterings of Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and a peanut gallery of liberal has-beens like John Kerry, and Ted Kennedy.

Once again, the Democrats are on the wrong side of history.

President Bush was exactly right when comparing the current anti-war crowd in Congress with the Democrat Congress during the Viet Nam war.  It is historically factual that the USA was winning in Southeast Asia before the Democrat Anti-War Congress decided to cut-off all funding for the war. 

As a result of the idealistic rantings of the Democrat Party, millions of Southeast Asians died.  Two million South Vietnamese put to sea to find sanctuary from the North Vietnamese Communists.  They were called the "Boat People". 

Tens of thousands of these poor souls perished at sea, and thousands of others were caught and herded into prison by the North Vietnamese whose historic victory was compliments of a Democrat Majority Congress, and anti-war protesters like Jane Fonda and John Kerry. 

Hundreds of thousands of South Vietnamese were tortured, mutilated, and murdered by the victorious North Vietnamese.  The History Channel got it right when they recently showed films of North Vietnamese prison camps, with their soldiers torturing thousands of South Vietnamese to re-educate them. 

This is denied by the Democrats who, during the war, were busy smoking dope and protesting the war to keep from being drafted and forced to do their legal and patriotic duty.

Democrats will not take responsibility for their failures, and therefore cannot profit from the lessons of history.

Fortunately, most Americans are smarter than the average Democrat. 


bb